This has not been a good, fun, or funny week. Twitter is a disaster that’s helped the worst people alive make this world into a shittier place, and now those same people want to basically destroy Twitter because it finally, very lightly, and in the meekest possible way, called them on their bullshit. It’s a depressing app that has deeply contributed to and benefited from today’s terrible times, and I think about deleting it from my phone every day. I also open it up like 10 times an hour, have spent far more time over the last 12 years talking to people I only know through Twitter than to my own real-life friends, and have used it as my primary window on the world outside my house for at least a decade. It’s a miserable, soul-sucking failure and I can’t put it down. Twitter: It’s bad.
I mean, hell. Our president used it to threaten the state-sanctioned murder of American citizens. The dumb app I signed up for to make fun of videogames on is easing our slide into a dictatorship. What the hell.
That’s it. That’s all I got. There’s nothing else I can or would want to write. I’m doing one of these lists again because we’ve always done these lists, every week, stretching back well before I even joined Paste full-time. It’s the closest something this low-hanging can get to being a tradition. If this is the kind of thing you like to read, go for it. Hopefully you’ll get a laugh or two out of it.
Thanks to the people and tweets below for not being bad. If you follow people please consider following them.
looting target is unamerican. the real american thing to do is loot iraq iran kuwait pakistan yemen somalia syria afghanistan sudan vietnam mexico cuba panama haiti nicaragua jamaica north korea guatemala the philippines dominican republic guyana chile cambodia angola el salvador
— giabuchi (@jaboukie) May 28, 2020
i miss checking in to hotels and getting briefed on what the concept of a hotel is
— Luke Mones (@LukeMones) May 21, 2020
i saw joe biden’s running for president! he could have a shot. people remember him from when he was vice president so he has a little bit of a head start on that, people know who he is and everything. should be interesting to see what happens there
— Jon Bois (@jon_bois) May 22, 2020
I got unfollowed today by someone who I once picked up from LAX. Do you even realize how fucked up that is?
— Zach Heltzel (@zachheltzel) May 23, 2020
Ruin a musical by neither rendering your celebrity cast as fully animated cats nor dressing them in simple cat costumes and instead landing in the terrifying center of the uncanny valley satisfying no one and also it was never that great a musical to start with
— Dave Itzkoff (@ditzkoff) May 23, 2020
Me preparing The questions
for the test on the test pic.twitter.com/duSrlVXNB5
— Therese (@ThereseUTD) May 22, 2020
When you return to seaworld this is what you have to pass to enter the park pic.twitter.com/pkmR8SGbyM
— Human Capital Stock Dragon (@DisneyDragon) May 24, 2020
My wife got mad at me for saying the person Billy Joel is describing in the Big Shot song probably also has diarrhea.
— Daniel Kibblesmith (@kibblesmith) May 24, 2020
The problem with 10:30pm is that it comes exactly one minute before 2:30am if you’re not careful.
— Josh Gondelman (@joshgondelman) May 24, 2020
Can u even imagine how annoying Andy Warhol must have been to hang out with
— stupidness (@GayCrossfit) May 24, 2020
every trailer for a documentary ends like this and it’s fucking annoying pic.twitter.com/xGTvUajXJt
— graham ross techler (@gr8h8m_t3chl3r) May 25, 2020
Day 18: they still have no idea that i’m not a cat pic.twitter.com/hD5vAQkv2F
— Roald from Animal Crossing (@AC_Roald) May 26, 2020
6 week seminar on how to control your dreams once you get your master’s degree you will be put in an induced coma for whatever time you choose to enter your controlled dream life contact Morgan if interested
— Jose Canseco (@JoseCanseco) May 26, 2020
BILL GATES: I need a way to track everybody
ASSISTANT: Well there’s always cellphone data
BILL GATES: Hm. Maybe I’ll make a virus that requires a vaccine
ASSISTANT: Phones have GPS already
BILL GATES: And then we inject everyone with microchips
ASSISTANT: Ok but phones exist
— Mike Drucker (@MikeDrucker) May 23, 2020
Boy, Netflix will give anyone a stand-up special. pic.twitter.com/M1TGHT2kBM
— Bill Chambers (@flmfrkcentral) May 27, 2020
Can you imagine a crueler fate than having your own wiki page and having (gamer) next to your name? pic.twitter.com/Z9ZX5yJiM8
— Brock Wilbur (@brockwilbur) May 27, 2020
every person who preaches prosperity gospel is like ‘u cant just sit around and eat bonbons all day…i’d love to eat bonbons all day! but i can’t. because i have a BUSINESS’ but my question is what the fuck is a bonbon and has anyone consumed one in the last 100 years
— jamieloftus (@jamieloftusHELP) May 27, 2020
cleansing images of chi mcbride pic.twitter.com/et2Z7sshVF
— night egg (@jourdayen) May 27, 2020
Oh shit… Horse must be an NWA fan…. https://t.co/Ih7kUCk92Q
— ICE T (@FINALLEVEL) May 27, 2020
HBO Go, HBO Now, HBO Max… HBO is clearly trying to tell someone named Max to murder their family.
— Jesse McLaren (@McJesse) May 27, 2020
muhammad ali: float like a butterfly
muhammad ali: sting like a bee
jellyfish: i am nailing this
— randy (@randypaint) May 27, 2020
Devastating news: Bad Boy Mowers no longer title sponsor of Gasparilla Bowl, sources told @Stadium. Previous names:
St. Petersburg Bowl presented by Beef O’Brady’s
Beef O’Brady’s Bowl
Bitcoin St. Petersburg Bowl
St. Petersburg Bowl
Bad Boy Mowers Gasparilla Bowl
— Brett McMurphy (@Brett_McMurphy) May 28, 2020
Holy McDonald’s settle down .. pic.twitter.com/QMj8RgYtPl
— Alia (@MizzzAlia) May 27, 2020